Sam

"I am here — trying to be a young leader— and I can’t be silenced."

By Students of NYC

December 21^st, 2023

"I think the world would be a little bit kinder if we just asked more questions of each other. Let’s take a statement, like ‘Dogs are vicious.’ If you turn it into, ‘Are dogs vicious?’ you are giving yourself the opportunity to take a step back and be like, wait a second, is this a fact, or is this my opinion? Do I know all the facts? Because we're human. People are constantly talking over each other to say their opinions. But you can't know everything, especially if you’re not centered in that perspective. I hate that phrase, curiosity killed the cat. Not just because I like cats, but because asking a question will not kill you. It's affecting how you think going forward. And that, I think, is the best thing.

I’ve been a loud advocate against homophobia. I remember walking with my girlfriend once, and I had a guy follow us for blocks and spit on us. I didn't really expect that from New York City. That opened my eyes to the fact that, unfortunately, even in a "progressive" city like ours, it's something you can't escape. When Florida promoted “Don’t Say Gay,” I was so angry. I don’t live in Florida, but these are kids that are exactly like me, kids who just want to get married to somebody they love and they’re banned from saying a word. I was just blown away. I reached out to the administration and said I want to arrange a walkout for this. And I did. I am here, trying to be a young leader, and I can’t be silenced. Then, my guidance counselor approached me with an opportunity to be part of an equality youth council for NYC. I went through interviews and I was accepted, and it was so huge to me. I met senators, representatives — I’ve gone to policy meetings. It’s one thing to be told you have a voice. But it’s another thing to be given an opportunity to actually use it. To actually do something to make change.

Even though I've faced discrimination, I know I'm incredibly privileged. Understanding our own privilege isn’t easy. I learned about racism in elementary school, but I'm white. I've never experienced it first hand. It's easy to be like, oh, I know the history. I'm good. But, I was wrong — I don't. I'll never know the full history. I can learn all I want, but I will never be someone who can speak on it fully. And that’s been really humbling because I love to talk and I love to debate. But in this case, I need to sit back and just learn. It’s humbling and embarrassing to go, wow, I can do so many things that my friends are incapable of doing out of fear. Because even though I live in New York City, I'll never know what it's like to choose to go a different way when walking to avoid the police, or to not be able to go to a certain restaurant because they don't serve the food I can eat. I didn't even think about that until one of my Muslim friends told me, I can't eat here. I was like, what do you mean you can't eat here? And she's like, no, I can't. It's not halal. And I said, wow. You're right.

My religion is something that brings me a lot of comfort. Growing up, there was a lot of clashing. My grandmother and my cousin died in a very close time period when I was young, maybe seven or eight. I was sure it was my fault because I had seen preachers on TV saying that if something bad happens you, it’s because you’re gay. That was really hard. I get really sad about this, but to know that a lot of churches that I would respect do not like me and would not like me once they found out who I am, that really hurts. But still, I put my faith in God. Eventually, I found a church where my dad also goes with me that is very, very kind toward me. They've even asked me for pointers on what to say and stuff like that when it comes to these certain things. And I think that's really beautiful. Listen, I'm not the most holy girl you've ever seen in the entire world, but at the end of the day, I know who I am. I know I'm not a mistake. When I eventually leave the earth, I know that I'm going to be okay. I really like the idea of reincarnation. And if I come back as another person, I hope that I'm exactly the same.

I've had teachers here at TYWLS that have done things for me that doctors wouldn't do. I have an anxiety disorder. And it was hard to say to people, you don’t understand — I have to go up the stairs a certain amount of times or I'm going to start crying. I would go to doctors and they would say I was being overdramatic. I went to my drama teacher here who I've known for a long time, and she didn't say anything at first. She just kind of hugged me, and told me, well, I'm here if you want to talk. And with my permission, eventually she had contacted the teachers and told them if I was late to class, there was a reason behind it. My teachers here trust me. They don't scrutinize me. I'm treated less as a student and more of a human being. Like somebody who exists past high school who will go on to live a life, maybe become a teacher, maybe become this or that. I know they care if I will go home that night and smile."