Cody

"Handling everything — it was just too much pressure."

By Students of NYC

June 2^nd, 2023

“During the pandemic, my sister was only 12 at the time. My mom had to help my dad at the restaurant, and they’d work late into the night.

So I was home and had to deal with everything that a parent would have to deal with. Cooking, cleaning, mopping, sweeping. Making sure my sister did her remote work. On top of that, taking care of myself was already a task.

Handling everything — it was just too much pressure. I let my school life go down. I’m not the type to cry — but during that time, I cried myself to sleep at night. A few times, my sister saw me crying. I hated that.

When I came back to school after quarantine, I would sleep in class a lot or cut classes altogether. And the thing about me is, I like to be productive. I self-reflect. So there was a lot of guilt. Every day at the end of the day, thinking about how I just skipped class to hang out in the gym or the cafeteria, I’d be like, Why did I even do that in the first place?

I felt like I was in a shell. The thing about depression is, you can’t always tell you’re in it.

You’re not always like, crying or whatever, but there’s just something off. Even hanging out with friends, I couldn’t enjoy it like I did before. And doing serious work, I couldn’t feel awake. There was always something weighing me down.

It’s natural to want to feel accepted. Like part of a group, you know? Relating to people is a really big thing that makes you feel better — that’s why everybody wants to fit in. And at the time, I felt so different from everyone else. That added on top of already feeling depressed, it was like being in a hole that kept getting deeper.

It was a teacher who noticed. Mr. Bieler.

He talked to me, then he talked to my guidance counselor. It was adults who helped pull me out, actually. And I started this year pretty excited. The baseline was so low from last year. I just started to feel motivated to like, try new things. And part of that was trying to be expressive and vulnerable. Sharing my experiences with other people — it actually feels good.

I want to become a content creator.

There isn’t much out there that feels real about depression. When you look it up, the answers are generic, you know? Like: Stay positive. Or: Find someone to talk to. But it’s never that easy.

And if there is someone talking about it, it’s usually a psychiatrist or another adult. It’s not someone who has necessarily experienced it, it’s not someone relatable. They’re at a whole different point in their lives, and their childhood could have been nothing like ours. It would be different to be able to see someone in high school or college talking about going through it and what it’s like. Basically, I want to become the mentor that I was looking for when I needed someone most. I know some people out there get hate for stuff like that — get accused of spreading negativity. But I want to bring awareness that this happens not just to adults with diagnosed diseases. Like kids go through it too, and it’s difficult to reach out to someone to get help. Like me, especially from my background. So yeah, that’s what I want to create. So I can play that role for others who don’t have something like that at home.”